You ever feel like you're a character from the TV show Lost? Here it is, you've gone through 6 years of seriously insane and confusing junk, just praying it makes sense in the end. You're stranded on a weird island. Surrounded by weirder people. Odd miraculous healings have occurred. You're finding polar bears on tropical land. There's a black smoke creature chasing you. You're trying to figure out who the heck this Jacob guy is and what in the world he wants with you!... I remember watching the episodes back to back trying to observe every detail I could to try and figure out this mystery show. I can honestly say I was entirely confused until the end of the show. Lately I've felt similar to what I can only assume those characters would have felt being stranded on that island.
Every season in life I walk through, a new lesson is learned and I reach new "levels" (for all you gamers) in my relationship with God. Some seasons are harder than others, and some top the charts with their difficulty level. Currently I'm at living at home again, out of ministry for the first time since I knew I was called to be a minister, lost my job a few weeks ago when they shut down, and I'm in a financial "pit of despair" (Princess Bride... come on people). Needless to say I've felt a little lost. Okay, a LOT lost. If you're anything like me (overly analytical), walking through times like this means you think about everything, leaving no detail untouched. Unfortunately, the list of things I do understand in life pales in comparison to the list of everything I can't begin to comprehend. I've found that through this season, 5 words dominate my vocabulary. "I don't understand. I don't know. Why?" (Yes bonehead, that was 5 words, I just used 2 of them twice, give me a break haha). I've had countless frustrated conversations with God, asking Him why. Telling him I don't know what He's doing. Whining about how I don't understand His plans for my life right now. Even greater in number are the conversations I've had with all the people wondering what in the world I'm doing with my life. The many questions they have aren't intended to be offensive. I know they love me. Yet, I can't help that pang of insecurity that hits as they play their round of 20 questions. I have no good answer for them. "Where are you going to work now?" "What's your plan?" "What's God telling you? What direction is He leading?"... And to all of them, I can do no more than give them a ridiculously sheepish, "I don't know." The only question everyone seems to have for me that I can answer with undoubtable certainty is "Will you continue on in ministry?" It is without question a part of me, and I know that God is not by any means done with His plans for me.
I'm reminded of the story in the Bible found in Mark 4:35-41. Here it is, nearing nighttime and Jesus tells his disciples to come out onto the boat with him. The disciples go without question, as they had many other times. The story truly begins to unfold as this giant squall (storm) comes suddenly and nearly capsizes the boat. Here you have all the disciples running around freaking out, trying to keep from getting tossed in the water, screaming, stressing, and fearing for their lives. Where is Jesus, you ask? Ah yes, He's in the back of the nearly sinking boat, asleep. The disciples see this and become even more frustrated with the situation. Here's the man who's gone around performing miracles and casting out demons and yet this miracle man sleeps in the midst of their despair? Waking Him up, the disciples irritation can be heard in their words, "Do you not even care if we drown?" It was a moment of confusion and desperation for the disciples, as they saw their futures bleak before them. Within an instant Jesus simply spoke to the storm (yes, you read that right... Jesus is talking to the weather) and told it to "Be still". As quickly as the storm came upon them, it faded with the simple words of Jesus. He turned to His disciples and asked, "Why are you so afraid. Do you still have no faith?"
Did you notice in the story that Jesus told them to get in the boat with Him. He had led them to the very place that the storm would take place. It was where He wanted them to be. Now I don't know for sure, but I can imagine that the disciples began to use some of those same 5 words I've used endlessly in their confusion. "I don't understand. Why?" Why is this happening? Notice that Jesus never gave an answer as to why the storm had come or why He hadn't stopped it sooner. I'm sure the disciples had a list of things they didn't understand during the whole ordeal... but in the end, I believe the few things they did understand mattered far more than their lists of doubts and uncertainties. At the end of the story, they understood that it was Jesus who saved them. They understood that it was Him who had control of the situation from beginning to end. They understood that their perception was limited to the things they saw as rational, possible, and probable. They saw that Jesus had a perception different than they understood, He had a way of seeing the unseen, and making the impossible possible.
As I read that story, I thought of all of the other people in the Bible who I'm sure at times didn't understand the plan God had for them. I'm sure Job didn't understand all of the trials he walked through. I'm sure at the time, Noah had a few questions about building that ark. I'm sure Joseph wondered why God had given him dreams of becoming something great if he was spending his life in prison for crimes he didn't commit. Heck as I think about it, I can't recall many stories where God mapped out the future and let each detail of the journey be known to His people. It's not His style. He sets us out on the irrational plans, the ones far beyond our comprehension. The kind we can't understand.
In the end I believe the lesson I'm learning with all of this is that I'm not alone in not understanding the plans God has for me. He has a way of revealing the puzzle piece we need most exactly when we need it, not a moment before. Isn't that truly where our life lessons come from anyways? It's those moments for the disciples where they realize AFTER the storm that their faith needed some work. Those frustrating seasons and trials are often the ones the most personal growth comes from.
~Adversity precedes growth~
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