So here I am in the middle of the infamous month of love. If you're in love, it's a month where there's the typical flowers, candy, and the boosting of the Hallmark rip off haha. If you're not in love, and are sadly single during this twitter-pated month, the bill for your therapist sky rockets as you need to talk about "how you feel" about being so unfortunately alone, and the Kleenex company thrives on your tears of pain and loneliness. Luckily for me, the kleenex company isn't making bank off of me like they are some of you haha =-P...
Ok so here's where this blog truly begins...
In this season of love, I'm reminded consistently of the life I used to lead. People and places that used to be constants in my life are now just pieces of who I used to be in a life I've all but forgotten. It's funny how things in life seem like they just happened yesterday, yet they seem like a distant foggy memory, all in the same instance. It's funny how the choices I made yesterday have effected me to the very core of who I am today. It's funny how life changes directions on you, JUST when you think you had it all figured out. It's funny how easy it is to praise God when things are going great, but how impossible it seems to praise Him when things are rough and discouraging.
I'm reminded in this season of love, of the love that used to be in my life. The love that we shared, the life that we lived, the memories that we made. Now don't get me wrong, I know that the relationship we had, wasn't one that was wholly pleasing to God, and that's exactly why it ended. My point however, is simply that I'm reminded of the sacrifice that I made for God, because if it weren't for Him, I may have never thought to end the relationship, thus leaving me married by now with a completely different life than the one i currently lead.
The second sacrifice I'm reminded of is the comfort of my family's home, my friends surrounding me, and a job I felt secure in. I was so comfortable in my old life, while I had my struggles, I could bury them away by throwing myself into late night hangouts with my pals to get my mind off of the trials I walked through. I had my family there to take care of my every need, and I adored spending time with them. All of that is but a memory however, and I was recently reminded of how painful it was to have left everyone and everything that I did.
The memories have flooded me as though a dam broke and sent the powerful emotions tied to each memory to punch me in the face... and with each blow, I'm reminded of something that I no longer have. The emotions overwhelm me and take my thoughts captive to the point where I question, "God, where is your hand in this"... See God I know that you give and you take away, but sometimes I'm just reminded so bluntly of the things I've been stripped of... the things you've seen unfit for me to carry in my life. I've abandoned it all, but sometimes I feel like I've lost more than I'll ever fully begin to gain.
See there's times where I just get so tired, tired of fighting the good fight, tired of always doing right. Throughout life we go through many seasons, whether it's a season of peace or pain, trial or triumph... we all walk through various situations and times in life. No matter who you are though, you eventually get tired. Living life while being tired can be a dangerous place. While we're tired, our decisions are clouded by bad judgment and a misunderstood perception on how things really are. We start looking at situations in our life and seeing things completely different than they really are. In Fievel Goes West (great movie!!!), Fievel is walking along in the desert for what seems like forever, he is tired, thirsty, lost, and doesn't think he can take it much longer. In the distance he sees water, but as he gets closer and closer he sees that the water he thought he saw didn't exist. In his tired state of mind, his perception was distorted, he began to see things that weren't as though they were.
The past couple weeks have been hugely reminiscent for me, as I've continued to miss pieces of the life I left behind.... BUT there's only one thing it comes down to... In all my thinking the last couple weeks about the sacrifices I'VE made, I had nearly lost sight of the ultimate sacrifice that HE made!!! I recently played a video clip for my students where it paralleled the sacrifice God made in giving Jesus for us to a man who was the keeper of a drawbridge, who was forced to decide between pulling the lever to send the drawbridge down, ultimately sacrificing his son who got caught in the gears of the track OR saving hundreds of people on a passing train. He chooses to save the people on the train, which of course left his little boy crushed and lifeless by the choice he made. The people on the train passed by unaware that the mans son was selflessly sacrificed to save their lives. The people continued on their way, laughing, sleeping, eating, and making out with their boyfriend/girlfriend. You see the last couple weeks I had forgotten just how much He sacrificed for ME... an ungrateful, undeserving, mess like me. You see for some reason only known to Him, I'm called. For some reason beyond what I can fathom or understand, He has a purpose for me. It's not that I lost my passion, It's not that I was backsliding, It's not that I lost sight of the call on my life... but rather that I forgot to protect myself from discouragement. When discouragement set in, I began to miss the things I used to have... but see when God calls us to a higher purpose, He calls us to a higher standard of living, and sometimes that means that we aren't going to be comfortable... but honestly, God help me if I ever DO become comfortable again, because comfort often hinders us from stepping into the opportunities and divine appointments that we are meant to have.
Discouragement will set in from time to time, but it's then that you must fully focus your eyes on why you're doing whatever it is that you're doing in the first place. Keep hold of the dream, don't ever lose sight! Someone wise once told me that life is just a journey to a better place. I believe it's true.... IF we don't give up in the middle of the journey or allow the circumstances to take negative control over our lives. You see, Fievel could have given up after being lost in the desert for so long and been disappointed when he saw that the water he expected to be there turned out to be a mirage... but he didn't, he kept going... because he had a dream, he knew his ultimate goal. So tonight I urge you, know your goal.... Keep it close to your heart. Don't EVER forget the sacrifice that was made for you, because IF you do, you'll begin to live for yourself and think that it's all about you, and that's exactly where you'll lose it!
Last off, I'm reminded in thinking of sacrifices, that when God called me into ministry, I answered the call. I knew full well that it'd cost me, I would have been stupid to think I'd be able to take this journey without it costing me my comfort, my control, my security in myself, as well as my pride from time to time. I have been bought with a price, the HIGHEST price.... so just as King David wouldn't offer God a sacrifice that cost him nothing, I say the same... God, I will not offer to you that which costs me nothing.... because if it costs me nothing, what is it exactly that I'm sacrificing?... Nothing!
I choose to hold on tight to You, my Jesus, through the thick and the thin. I choose to live my life as a holy and pleasing SACRIFICE to You, my God. I choose to look forward, towards my future instead of behind into my past, because I KNOW that nothing in my past will even begin to amount to what blessings You have for my future God! I will stay the course, I WILL fight the good fight. I WILL love how You loved. I WILL serve as You served. God the last thing I give to You tonight is simply my heart, the good, the bad, the ugly.... and I make the commitment to praise you in the victorious times as well as the times that leave me tired and discouraged. Jesus... I am Yours, use me... Unconditionally! I WILL follow you no matter what gets thrown my way.
Lastly, I'm reminded of a song called "Amazed".... because God, I am amazed by You!!!!
You dance over me,
While I am unaware.
You sing all around,
But I never hear the sound.
Lord, I'm amazed by you
Lord, I'm amazed by you
Lord, I'm amazed by you
How you love me.
You paint the morning sky
With miracles in mind
My hope will always stand
For you hold me in your hand
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
How you love me.
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
How you love me.
How wide, how deep, how great, is your love for me.
How wide, how deep, how great, is your love for me.
very very very good my friend! :D
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